Do I let go or hold on? I ask myself that question many a times. Personally, I find it difficult to ‘let go’. I am not a control freak but what happens to relationships and things I invest my time into is important to me. I suppose that does require some careful thought and planning but calling that as controlling might come across as offensive. Whether that be the case or not, it never bothered me as I thought that’s just how anyone who is determined and motivated ought to be concerning their life. As much as I love to exercise a certain amount of control over situations, I have no issues in letting go of materialistic things and would instantly let go of things if that means more clarity and sanity. When I speak of letting go I am mainly talking about relationships and emotional aspects that come with it.
To be honest, I was never truly challenged to let go of things until I became a mother. Prior to becoming a mother I strongly held on to my aspirations. After becoming a mother, I held on to my kids and their innocence and as they started achieving each growth milestones I closely observed those who were getting ready to let go off their children into another world outside of their homes.
My real test came when I was confronted with schooling choices for my kids, I was naturally inclined to believe I shall do what the majority does and let go, let my kids blossom and hope for the best and trust that the Lord will watch over them. I sought comfort in verses that speak of God’s plan which are good (Jeremiah 29:11) and His faithfulness (Psalm 91:4). But as soon as my kids started mainstream school I couldn’t let go of the feeling that there was something more expected out of me. At the time I did not know what exactly troubled me. I took my burdens to the Lord and He spoke to me through other verses such as Proverbs 22:6, Deuteronomy 6:5-9 and many others all of which kept pointing me to the responsibility of a parent when it comes to bringing up the child which according to me includes every aspect of their growing years.
So what was God asking me to do… let go or hold on? How could I possibly do both! It seemed such contradicting actions to me. While this may not be a burden on everyone’s heart but every once in a while we go through moments in our lives when we have to think deep before deciding to let go or hold on (whether that be in relationships or situations). In my case, the Lord was clearly asking me to hold onto my children, preserve their childhood, surround them with everything good and let go off my standards (which are anyway inferior), let go off any excuses, let go off the idea of perfection and get used to mess, chaos and noise. And this was realised in my life when my husband and I decided to homeschool our kids. Many have expressed how they think homeschooling is a way to control your child’s learning and in effect controlling their exposure, be it social or educational. While initially I genuinely loved that idea but the more I deal with the day to day grind I realise how helpless, clueless and totally and utterly lacking in control I am.
I have been humbled to understand that learning is less to do with ABCs and more to do with the attitude and the learning environment the child is immersed in. For someone who loves to control or hold onto her plans, none of my plans were working out the way I envisioned. I had to accept that homeschooling was never my original plan and hence I never had any plan of action for myself let alone my kids. As a Christian I know that the Lord is in control. He cares for me and my burdens are lighter when brought before him. Believe me, I know it all very well and wouldn’t for one second think that I can outsmart Him and have things my way against His will for my life. And when I used to say things like I am a visionary I was merely feeding my own ego. The reality is that only with humility could I fully appreciate and accept the Lord’s plans over my plans.
I must admit motherhood does bring out some insecurities which I never thought I had it in me. And I used to see letting go as giving up or as accepting defeat. But the Lord is teaching me that if I let go and accept the freedom that I have in Him then I can truly enjoy the rewards that motherhood brings. I am not letting go in order to allow fate to determine my life but I am letting go so that God can lead the way. He is the author of mine and my children’s life and I know he wouldn’t call me to do something unless the end goal is to bring Him glory! And the only thing that is expected out of me in this journey is obedience to His calling.
So my advice to anyone who struggles with letting go would be to ask yourself whether you are holding onto things for your sake or in obedience to God. Because sometimes the Lord might require you to hold onto something and other times He will gently nudge you to let go. Either way if we are careful to heed His voice we would obey despite how difficult the actual journey might be and enjoy the blessings that He pours out due to His grace.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. Isaiah 43.2
